Why has it been so hard for me to let go and forgive? I was stuck in unforgiveness so long it was like a warm comfortable blanket. An old smelly blanket. A blanket that had become crusted into my skin over the years. I was determined not to give it up. I tried pretending it wasn’t there, but I wasn’t fooling anybody – especially not Jesus who sees EVERYTHING. One major block to my letting go was fear. Fear is, has been, a dominant emotion of mine. And like the unforgiveness I became immune to its presence in everything I did.
Something is changing and shifting in me and fear is diminishing and also – the big one – I am learning how to forgive. What a difference! I did not become willing to challenge my unforgiveness because of the rewards I might get, but because Jesus commanded me to.
Not just in the Word, but I was deeply convicted one day recently driving to a Church event. I have never in my twenty seven years of walking with the Lord been so challenged. Jesus has been healing me over the years, and I will write about this – but not now, and His gentleness and kindness has been totally amazing. Thats how I know who He is. When I feel His presence I feel overwhelmed with ‘LovingKindness’ – and that is not from me. I can be kind, and I can be loving, but I know my own flawed heart and my duplicity. No, I know that when I encounter Jesus the Love is both pure and outside of myself. But this is the incredible thing, He directs his Love towards me. Me of all people.
Anyway I digress. When Jesus challenged me with my unforgiveness it was like a burning, a searing to my core. He did not stop Loving me as this happened. He put before me the brokenness of my family relationships and in particular my eldest daughter.
What do you do when challenged like this? I didn’t really want to tell anyone else as I didn’t want to share my shame. Fear again – so afraid that others wouldn’t like me, reject me, or maybe wouldn’t care. But I did gather courage and I did ask others to pray for me. I did share some specific things which were pretty risky. And I was healed. I WAS HEALED!